What am I doing?

(warning this is pure ranting and rambling today!)

Sometimes you have those days that you just stop and wonder what did I sign on for! Starting at 4 am my oldest (at the ripe old age of 2) awoke with a shrill cry, that continued until 5 am. Not that we (my hubby and I) didn't try to do anything to stop the insanity, but nothing would stop him, the harder we tried to calm him down and give him what he wanted the louder he would cry. Who knows what the real problem was, or even if there was a problem other than he was awake at 4 am and was so tired and cranky! How I got him to stop was a last desperate act from me before I truly belive that my head was going to explode. I told him that if screamed at me one more time I was walking out of his room and not coming back. Well than it happened BAM he was stuck to my leg pleading "no mama leave, mama big hug". Oh to know the drama that goes on in the 2 year old mind. But somehow after all that still it is so sweet to just sit and rock him back to sleep. After that life sucking episode I left to go workout with a dear friend who has taken on the daunting task of getting in shape and unfortunately 5:30am is the best time. Returning home I was happy to find the whole house still asleep I hoped to get a few precious minutes of sleep, I went into my room to find my hubby,2 year old and 5 month old all passed out in my bed leaving me about 10 inches on the side that I could attempt to lay down on. And all 3 woke up as soon as I started to drift off. I am not even 100% sure what I have done the rest of the day, I believe that I am just walking around in a caffeine coma. I do know that some how in all the crying (because someone was tired from getting up so early), poopie diapers (let me tell you they had some doosies toady), and trying to keep the house in some form of order I think that I got a small glimpse of what God feels like. He is there to love and hold us when ever we need him. We all want someone to take away our troubles and he is offering we still act like we are not getting what we want. Like my 2 year old crying for me to hold him this morning and than crying because I was holding him, we say we want God to have control in our lives yet at the same time won't let go. You would think that listening to the whole world complaining would drive him nuts, because just listening to an hour of it made me want to poke my ear drums out just so I wouldn't have to listen to it anymore.

But to end the day all I had to do is sit down and have my sweet little man put his arms around my neck and say "I wove you mama" and every little frustration I have just slips away and I am over taken with the love that I have for him. And when my 5 month old laughs the laugh of pure joy just because I took the time to sing him a silly song, I know that this is all worth it.